Fear of Being Alone
by Angel31
Summary: Immediatly following episode "Equal Rights" Nora reveals why she had so much difficulty with the case. This is NOT a Jack/Nora story romance. Please r&r.


The fear of being alone  
  
By  
  
Mary  
  
NOTE: This is immediately following "Equal Rights"  
  
A Law & Order Fiction  
  
Nora had received word early about the loss of the case. She had told Jack that they would lose at trial, but did he listen? No. From the beginning Nora could see it coming…she had seen that type of case before come through the court system and the District Attorney's office lose time and again in the verdict. She had avoided Jack the entire day and now it was time to go home. All she wanted to do was curl up on the edge of her sofa, watch an Anthony Hopkins film and forget about her day, the trial and Jack. She grabbed her briefcase and headed out, seeing Serena and Jack talking in his office doorway.  
  
"Not guilty," Nora sighed, stopping next to Jack. "Funny, I could have sworn that I said weeks ago that this would die at trial."  
  
"You told me so," Jack muttered, "I'm sorry Nora. I thought for sure the jury would see the facts and not get swayed by the pictures."  
  
Nora nodded, "you thought wrong. It happens," she turned and started towards the elevators.  
  
Jack wished Serena a good night and hurried after Nora, "wait up, Nora," he called.  
  
He caught up with her and walked beside her, "do you mind if I ask what your problem has been lately? You've been moody ever since this case came here, I understand that you're worried about the election…"  
  
"It's not that," she said.  
  
"What is it then? I am sorry that we didn't win, you were right, I was wrong…"  
  
"It's not that, Jack. I don't wish to discuss it," she said softly.  
  
He pushed the button for the elevator, stood back and looked at her. "You haven't slept either have you? You look tired."  
  
"I'm fine!" she snapped.  
  
He continued to stare at her and she sighed, "alright, this one hit a little close to home," she muttered. "Happy?"  
  
He shook his head, "what's it about? Nora, we've been friends since pre school for God's sake, I you better than anyone. I know something's been bothering you. You get this…sad expression…I haven't seen it in a long time."  
  
She shook her head and turned back towards her office, "It's nothing, just…leave me alone, Jack." She hurried off back towards her office, not in the mood for him grilling her.  
  
She opened the door, turned on the light and threw her briefcase across the room. It was starting to rain out, and her office was dim even with the light on. She lay on the couch and stared out the window at the falling rain. A picture of her late brother sat on the coffee table, she missed him more and more. Cancer had cut his life short. She stared at his picture and longed for one of their late night chats next to the fireplace, with a pot of coffee in hand. For the first time in years she really needed someone to talk with…and he had been the best person to talk with when she needed peace of mind.  
  
Jack stormed in and slammed the door shut, "I'm not going to let you do this to me, tell me that the hell is wrong? Are you mad at me because I screwed up the case? If you are just deal with it, it's over…the bad guys won. I'm sorry I went against your orders."  
  
She stared up at him from her spot, "Jack…" she was going to say something but shook it off. She thought a moment and got up, walking to him slowly. "Let me show you something," she unbuttoned her blouse to reveal her chest and neck.  
  
"Oh God," he whispered at the site of the scares. "Wha…what happened?"  
  
"Like I said, the case hit a little close to home," she whispered and buttoned the shirt back again.  
  
"Nora, I never knew…" he stared at her in disbelief.  
  
"You warned me too once, against marrying Tom. I should have listened to you then, you were right about him."  
  
Jack just continued stared at her in shock as she spoke.  
  
"The first few weeks of our marriage were wonderful," she smiled softly, "he was the perfect husband. He would make me breakfast in bed, and help with the dishes…then he lost his job at the hospital. That's when he started to change. You know… most men are worse when they're drinking; but when he got drunk he just passed out and I didn't have to worry about watching what I said, or doing something to just set him off." She went to the window and leaned on the sofa, lost in her memories. "I remember the first time he hit me…I came home from a twelve hour day at the office and just wanted to sleep, and he decided he wanted get romantic…after I told him no he punched me and dragged me to our room. He was a doctor so he knew where he could do the most damage without anyone seeing. I always believed him when he'd say 'I've changed Nora, really…just give me one more chance,'" she sighed, "I gave him so many chances."  
  
Jack sat beside her, "I didn't know. I'm so sorry, Nora. I…"  
  
"Don't be sorry Jack. There's no way you could have known. I was too afraid to tell anyone," she said. After a moment she continued with her story, "he wanted children and I wanted to wait. Well, he won out of course. I was happy though when I found out…I thought that maybe if he knew we were having a baby he would calm down. By that time he had a new position at a new hospital, and I thought, if he were working maybe he would be happy. I was wrong," she frowned and looked to the floor.  
  
"What happened?" he asked.  
  
"One night I came home late, we had a trial case coming up and I was helping Adam prepare. By the time I got home, Tom was furious. He had broken some glasses in the kitchen, and I was cleaning them up when he came in and kicked me to the floor. I tried to get him to stop, but he kept accusing me of cheating and…he punched me hard in the stomach, and I cried for him to stop…to be careful of the baby. He stopped for a minute and said, 'a good healthy baby could handle a little it.'"  
  
"That's when you had the miscarriage," he said, remembering all those years ago, seeing her in the hospital. "Nora, why didn't you say something to someone…at the hospital," he touched her hand and she jumped and relaxed in his grasp.  
  
"Jack, it's not that easy. He changed when other people were around; he became the concerned husband and caring. He cried about the baby when the doctor said it didn't make it."  
  
"I remember he left on a business trip after it happened," Jack started to remember little details about then, and hated himself for not realizing what she was going through.  
  
"As I lay in that hospital bed, I thought a lot about my life…and the baby. And I remember being so happy that it didn't have to be born into that life. I don't think I could have survived watching my children suffering. So I made a decision that I never told Tom about. I had my tubes tide so I couldn't get pregnant again," she said with tears filling her eyes. "I couldn't bear losing another baby, so I just…"  
  
Jack put his arm around her, "how did you get out of it though? The marriage."  
  
"I wouldn't have if my brother hadn't come for a visit…Tom was in one of his moods, so I tried to avoid him. It was a year after the miscarriage and he was getting frustrated that we weren't pregnant again…he really wanted a son. He was in the living room watching a ball game and I walked through to get something from the kitchen and he started rattling on about how it was my fault we weren't having children…he'd found out about my surgery. He threw the remote across the room at the television and broke the glass. I tried to get out of the house; I knew what he was going to do. He pinned me to the floor and held up his fist, I remember just starring at it, waiting for it to come down on me. I was too afraid to scream, and I just…cried. The last thing I remember is my brother helping me off the floor, promising me that everything was going to be okay. Tom just sat on the floor holding his nose…"  
  
"I remember him calling Adam that day. Adam told me that you weren't going to be coming back for a while."  
  
"I didn't want anyone to know what had happened to me. I felt…so small. I worked all those years to establish myself as a good attorney and a strong person…I just felt so embarrassed," she wiped the tears from her face with her hand.  
  
"Why didn't you ever press charges on him?" he asked, angry about what he had just heard. He wanted more than anything to be left alone with Tom for two minutes. He'd show him real abuse.  
  
"I just wanted to divorce him, and to never see him again."  
  
"I hope I never see that bastard again."  
  
"Jack, please don't talk like that. You're so much better than that. It's taken me so long to forget this. This case just brought back some painful memories is all. I'll be fine. Actually, I felt better talking about it. You remind me so much of my brother," she said with a laugh. "I miss him. I feel so alone without him."  
  
"He was a good guy. You could always think of me as a big brother, if you ever need to talk. I'm right across the hall."  
  
She looked up at him and smiled, "thank you, Jack."  
  
"What are big brothers for?"  
  
The End 


End file.
